wishy washy

i keep going back & forth
one second ill feel fine and the next
ill feel like shit.
sometimes its like,
"Sam", yeah i talk to myself, "Sam,
just fuckin chill. damn bitch."
and other times its like
"Sam, how could you sit back
and let shit unfold."
then its like
"I mean, you deserve this. You
did this to yourself."
then it's like
"So! Fuck that.
I wish I were a boy sometimes.
I swear they have it better."
then i start thinking,
just act like them niggas.
you know how, they wont care
and soon neither will you.
But truth be told,
I could never act like a boy
(as far as relationships go.)
I dont have the heart.
It's not in my mentality to do so.
Even if it makes me feel better for a couple
of days or even weeks.
Im going to feel guilty later,
like i do now.
Karma's a bitch, but I'm just gonna ride it out.
I mean, I dont have a fuckin choice.
And I can't sleep.
Well, I could but I'm scared to.
I'm losing my best fucking friend.
She's moving soon.
And I'm drifting away from Chris.
But that's no big deal.
Cuz I'll see him everyday. Twice.
Hopefully that'll help things.
But now that I'm in Detroit,
it's growing on to me. And my grandmother wants
me to stay.
I MIGHT.
With Alexa gone and Chris half-way gone
I really dont have much to lose.
I might be helping myself by staying.
And Marty doesnt care.
Which is a plus.
So I might be setting up camp for Detroit,
more than likely.
It's kind of a scapegoat, but I'm a big baby on the inside
so whatever.
Only time will tell.
Until further notice, I'm just living.