now i really dont want to go back to houston.
cuz things are just getting worse and worse.
9/15/2009
9/13/2009
Jacob
Lol.
Im not just posting this cuz
you asked me too, I was going to anyways
so you could read it.
Thank you alot. You were there
for me when no one else was and that
means alot to me.
It was tough but you made it better.
You're a good guy, not some hoe ass nigga.
Even though I havent fucked with you
in a minute you still came through.
Again, thnx.
Im not just posting this cuz
you asked me too, I was going to anyways
so you could read it.
Thank you alot. You were there
for me when no one else was and that
means alot to me.
It was tough but you made it better.
You're a good guy, not some hoe ass nigga.
Even though I havent fucked with you
in a minute you still came through.
Again, thnx.
9/11/2009
9/08/2009
7things-- i didnt write this
7 things I hate about you
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you
The 7 things I like about you
Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
And when we kiss, I'm hypnotized
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined everything's alright
I want to beWith the one I know
And the 7th thing I like the most that you do
You make me love you
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you
The 7 things I like about you
Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
And when we kiss, I'm hypnotized
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined everything's alright
I want to beWith the one I know
And the 7th thing I like the most that you do
You make me love you
^^the picture (again)^^
since chris is convinced
that every move i make
revolves aournd him,
i have changed the picture
back to my big tit idol
and all her glory.
that every move i make
revolves aournd him,
i have changed the picture
back to my big tit idol
and all her glory.
my diary w/ the monkey on it (page 37)
page 37.
everday for the past 2 weeks
i've written a poem.
some short, some long like essays.
some clever, some wack.
some days, i write 3 poems.
other days just a few lines.
but it helps.
im no poet but, it keeps me from
doing stupid shit.
none of them have titles.
i dont want to label them becuz
most of then come from
a mixture of emotions,
not just one feeling.
its hard to define them.
im not so sure how i feel now.
a little upset and mad.
a little hurt to, but happy also
becuz i have the opporotunity
to just walk away from all this.
just start over and say fuck it.
and chris...he pisses me off so much.
with the way he acts.
i can read him like a fuckin book.
i know he cares, i know this.
but i have my doubts sometimes
even though i shouldn't, its dumb.
he has this way of acting like he doesnt care
and says it. and i know its a lie.
but then i think
"if he's saying he doesnt care when he
really does, then whats he gonna say when
he really doesnt care? how the hell am i
suppose to the difference?"
i use to be able to tell, cuz when he said
he didnt care he still acted like he did.
things are different now.
but i need to stop being so scary
its not helping. been doing the tought girl thing for a while.
why crumble now?
this really isnt the time for meltdowns.
so i just have to put my guard back up.
its safer that way
everday for the past 2 weeks
i've written a poem.
some short, some long like essays.
some clever, some wack.
some days, i write 3 poems.
other days just a few lines.
but it helps.
im no poet but, it keeps me from
doing stupid shit.
none of them have titles.
i dont want to label them becuz
most of then come from
a mixture of emotions,
not just one feeling.
its hard to define them.
im not so sure how i feel now.
a little upset and mad.
a little hurt to, but happy also
becuz i have the opporotunity
to just walk away from all this.
just start over and say fuck it.
and chris...he pisses me off so much.
with the way he acts.
i can read him like a fuckin book.
i know he cares, i know this.
but i have my doubts sometimes
even though i shouldn't, its dumb.
he has this way of acting like he doesnt care
and says it. and i know its a lie.
but then i think
"if he's saying he doesnt care when he
really does, then whats he gonna say when
he really doesnt care? how the hell am i
suppose to the difference?"
i use to be able to tell, cuz when he said
he didnt care he still acted like he did.
things are different now.
but i need to stop being so scary
its not helping. been doing the tought girl thing for a while.
why crumble now?
this really isnt the time for meltdowns.
so i just have to put my guard back up.
its safer that way
wishy washy
i keep going back & forth
one second ill feel fine and the next
ill feel like shit.
sometimes its like,
"Sam", yeah i talk to myself, "Sam,
just fuckin chill. damn bitch."
and other times its like
"Sam, how could you sit back
and let shit unfold."
then its like
"I mean, you deserve this. You
did this to yourself."
then it's like
"So! Fuck that.
I wish I were a boy sometimes.
I swear they have it better."
then i start thinking,
just act like them niggas.
you know how, they wont care
and soon neither will you.
But truth be told,
I could never act like a boy
(as far as relationships go.)
I dont have the heart.
It's not in my mentality to do so.
Even if it makes me feel better for a couple
of days or even weeks.
Im going to feel guilty later,
like i do now.
Karma's a bitch, but I'm just gonna ride it out.
I mean, I dont have a fuckin choice.
And I can't sleep.
Well, I could but I'm scared to.
I'm losing my best fucking friend.
She's moving soon.
And I'm drifting away from Chris.
But that's no big deal.
Cuz I'll see him everyday. Twice.
Hopefully that'll help things.
But now that I'm in Detroit,
it's growing on to me. And my grandmother wants
me to stay.
I MIGHT.
With Alexa gone and Chris half-way gone
I really dont have much to lose.
I might be helping myself by staying.
And Marty doesnt care.
Which is a plus.
So I might be setting up camp for Detroit,
more than likely.
It's kind of a scapegoat, but I'm a big baby on the inside
so whatever.
Only time will tell.
Until further notice, I'm just living.
one second ill feel fine and the next
ill feel like shit.
sometimes its like,
"Sam", yeah i talk to myself, "Sam,
just fuckin chill. damn bitch."
and other times its like
"Sam, how could you sit back
and let shit unfold."
then its like
"I mean, you deserve this. You
did this to yourself."
then it's like
"So! Fuck that.
I wish I were a boy sometimes.
I swear they have it better."
then i start thinking,
just act like them niggas.
you know how, they wont care
and soon neither will you.
But truth be told,
I could never act like a boy
(as far as relationships go.)
I dont have the heart.
It's not in my mentality to do so.
Even if it makes me feel better for a couple
of days or even weeks.
Im going to feel guilty later,
like i do now.
Karma's a bitch, but I'm just gonna ride it out.
I mean, I dont have a fuckin choice.
And I can't sleep.
Well, I could but I'm scared to.
I'm losing my best fucking friend.
She's moving soon.
And I'm drifting away from Chris.
But that's no big deal.
Cuz I'll see him everyday. Twice.
Hopefully that'll help things.
But now that I'm in Detroit,
it's growing on to me. And my grandmother wants
me to stay.
I MIGHT.
With Alexa gone and Chris half-way gone
I really dont have much to lose.
I might be helping myself by staying.
And Marty doesnt care.
Which is a plus.
So I might be setting up camp for Detroit,
more than likely.
It's kind of a scapegoat, but I'm a big baby on the inside
so whatever.
Only time will tell.
Until further notice, I'm just living.
9/07/2009
im scared
im not being a baby,
im just being cautious, cuz im scared.
i dont like the feeling of not knowing
whats gonna happen next. i dont like the
incertainty. i but i cant rush things.
i have to let things flow and fall into place.
shit will happen when it happens.
but the longer we're not together the more
i think we're not gonna be together again.
everyday you're not with me you're with
someone else.
everday you're not mine, someone is liable
to take you.
everyday you love me less and less
while the time apart is making me love you more and more.
im scared that we're not on the same page.
im scared that im not the girl you think
about before you go to bed and when you wake up.
im scared that u dont love me like you use to
and that its all my fault.
im scared that i've done irreversible damage
and now we're through. i know im thinkin far into this
but this is the shit that goes through my mind.
the thoughts that frighten me in the middle of the day.
i know you say that i have nothing to worry about
but ive heard that song and dance before
and i just dont want to relive heartache again.
i keep backtracking the things i did and think
of i what i could've done to make things better.
like maybe i should've said i loved you more often
or told you how i felt EVERYDAY
or something!
anything.
im just fucking scared that all the dreams
i had of us wont come true.
i just fucking scared.
im just being cautious, cuz im scared.
i dont like the feeling of not knowing
whats gonna happen next. i dont like the
incertainty. i but i cant rush things.
i have to let things flow and fall into place.
shit will happen when it happens.
but the longer we're not together the more
i think we're not gonna be together again.
everyday you're not with me you're with
someone else.
everday you're not mine, someone is liable
to take you.
everyday you love me less and less
while the time apart is making me love you more and more.
im scared that we're not on the same page.
im scared that im not the girl you think
about before you go to bed and when you wake up.
im scared that u dont love me like you use to
and that its all my fault.
im scared that i've done irreversible damage
and now we're through. i know im thinkin far into this
but this is the shit that goes through my mind.
the thoughts that frighten me in the middle of the day.
i know you say that i have nothing to worry about
but ive heard that song and dance before
and i just dont want to relive heartache again.
i keep backtracking the things i did and think
of i what i could've done to make things better.
like maybe i should've said i loved you more often
or told you how i felt EVERYDAY
or something!
anything.
im just fucking scared that all the dreams
i had of us wont come true.
i just fucking scared.
Alexa has a lil dick. lol
i fuckin love alexa joi mayes.
she's like my best friend.
no no no.
like REALLY my best friend.
we take care of each other.
when she needs something, im there
and vice versa.
i would fight for her, and do like
serious damage.
shes like my fuckin sister.
we dont call each other oour "aces, or ride or die"
cuz we're not that fuckin lame
and dont need to.
we act just alike and finish each others
sentences like sick ass twins.
whenever i think i've done something
remotely insane i just call her and she understands
cuz our brains are identical.
the only girl ill ever steal a ladder for,
she gets on my nerves too, but i like her.
and chances are, i dont like you so...
yeah whatever
alexa the best
alexa the smartest
alexa the bummiest
i love alexa
SO HOMO!! jk
StevenB.
this boy here is like a brother.
i love him. i with my heart and shit.
i see him all the time, he's always at my
house and is annoying sometimes but he's
like cool and stuff.
but he knows he's cool, which why sometimes
he's not cool. you know?
we have ALOT of inside jokes that only him,
me, and alexa know about. lol lol
just thinkin about them make me laugh
hahahahaha
9/04/2009
weak ass travis fights
travis, the school i attend, is fuckin weak
and is filled with students
who talk.
talk shit.
alot, but never back it up.
like this one girl.
who thought she could drop me,
or thought i wasnt gonna drop her.
either way, she's fuckin dumb.
after charging her up, cussing her out,
throwing her pizza, and getting in her face,
she finall decides to touch my wrist.
giving me a reason to hit her.
and while she makes a scene,
i stick her dumbass about 3 good times
and now her face looks stupid.
then the A.P.'s tackle us, but she's
telling trying to kick me.
dumb girl.
and now, this white boy,
insist on charging up chris.
stupid fella.
ummmmm, i wouldnt charge up chris.
even if i was a nigga.
its just not wise.
but he does anyways.
(fucking potheads dont think straight.)
he actually meets chris in the bathroom.
dumbass boy.
so chris fucks him up in the face and shit.
and the boy snitches
*cough* weak *cough*
now me and chris are both suspended,
and neither one of us
can return until wednesday.
weak.
fuck travis.
and is filled with students
who talk.
talk shit.
alot, but never back it up.
like this one girl.
who thought she could drop me,
or thought i wasnt gonna drop her.
either way, she's fuckin dumb.
after charging her up, cussing her out,
throwing her pizza, and getting in her face,
she finall decides to touch my wrist.
giving me a reason to hit her.
and while she makes a scene,
i stick her dumbass about 3 good times
and now her face looks stupid.
then the A.P.'s tackle us, but she's
telling trying to kick me.
dumb girl.
and now, this white boy,
insist on charging up chris.
stupid fella.
ummmmm, i wouldnt charge up chris.
even if i was a nigga.
its just not wise.
but he does anyways.
(fucking potheads dont think straight.)
he actually meets chris in the bathroom.
dumbass boy.
so chris fucks him up in the face and shit.
and the boy snitches
*cough* weak *cough*
now me and chris are both suspended,
and neither one of us
can return until wednesday.
weak.
fuck travis.